hello again

It's been a few weeks since I've posted here, but this place has often been on my mind.  I've been wondering ~again~ if I should bother with this writing.... what's the point, why not just journal for myself, blah, blah, blah.  Same old.

But each time I consider walking away, there's something that pulls me back.  I read around the blogosphere that I am what they call a "bad blogger."  I don't post often enough, or predictably enough, or maybe I haven't found my niche.

Well, I'm here to say that I will continue to resist that label and I will continue to resist being bound by those rules.

Rules are typically a comfort to me, but those rules make me want to rebel!

And I've also decided ~again~ that I'm not going to worry too much about what you, dear reader, think.  Harsh?  I hope you don't hear that way!  What I mean is that I'm going to be as honest as I feel called and trust that you will receive it with grace and understanding.

I've said before, that I'm guilty of caring too much about what people think, about pleasing someone-everyone.

But one of my goals is to release myself from thinking too much of what others think of me.  I am prone to worry if someone doesn't respond well to me in any given situation (did I offend them??) and can spend days obsessing wondering what it could have been that made them not like me.  Sadly, I wish everyone liked me.  Is that normal?  (maybe don't answer...)

The thing I'm learning, and am working on continuing to learn, is that everyone has their own stuff going on.  Just because someone seems annoyed or distant or unfriendly or ambivilant toward me, it's not necessarily a reflection on me.  It could have been the traffic they just faced, the bad news they just received, the argument they just had, the heartbreak they've had, the toe they just stubbed....

nothing remotely about ME.

The Lord has been showing me that it is my PRIDE that needs to be released.  While it feels like insecurity, it's actually pride.  How else could one define the notion that everyone around you is thinking about you all the time??

Romans 12:3 (NIV)

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.

Proverbs 29:25 (CEB)

 People are trapped by their fear of others;
    those who trust the Lord are secure.

Huh!  So there goes God's Word perfectly describing my circumstance again!  I feel trapped by worry and performance anxiety when I think only of what people think of me.  Security comes from trusting in the Lord alone.  Thank you gracious Lord!

And so, the blog stays and along with it comes all the familiar inconsistancy and irregularity.  Like it or lump it, as they say!

May we continue to keep in step with the Spirit, looking to Him for our sense of acceptance and approval above and beyond all else!

encouraged

I slumped into my mini van tonight at just after 5pm.  It had been a long day already and I was feeling tired.  discouraged.  disheartened.  My set list for the night's practice was not ready, and nothing about it felt right.

I've said many times that I love my job, and it's true I do.

However, there is the artistic side of the worship planning I do that can produce the same angst that any artist knows well.   Maybe for you it's when your painting looks great to everyone else, but you see the space that's missing...something.  Maybe it's your scrapbook layout that looks a little off, or your cake that is a little...different.

Art can be anything, and for me it's music and scripture.  The Spirit leads and the most days the set comes together without too much trouble, but every once in a while it comes with much struggle.  The song sheets pile high as nothing feels right or works or sounds exactly like I hear it in my head.

Like I say, angst.

But after the struggle, I humbly present my offering to the Lord and to my team and they receive it with grace.  My friend strums his guitar to the opening song (too familiar? too over-done?) and his lovely wife starts to play the piano.  The song begins to come alive and the Spirit nudges, "See? I told you it was the right one."

Another friend walks in and looks at the closing song and exclaims, "I was just playing this song earlier today!  Man, I love that song!"

Song by song we rehearse and my spirit rises with the beauty of the music, the truth of the lyrics and by the hand of the Spirit.

And when we finish, we rush down the hall to start our choir rehearsal where I introduce one of our Easter selections.  My flesh worries "will they like it?"  At the first notes of the song, the fun begins!  Everyone loves the song, enjoying the challenge of the score.  There is laughter and singing and praise to our risen Lord.  These are my friends who I also get to sing with!  Thank you, Lord!

I lock up the church and hop back into my mini van at 9:50pm.  I find myself smiling as I drive back home and then I find myself praying.  Thanking the Lord for His goodness and provision.  Thanking Him for music, for struggle, for truth and for friends.

Your love has given me great joy and encouragement,

 because you, brother, 

have refreshed the hearts 

of the Lord’s people. 

(Philemon 1:7)

please!

If you struggle with a little unofficially-named disorder called "People Pleasing" you will know that there are times when people can appear very, very scary.

There is a reasonable side to pleasing others that says you will seek to put the needs of others ahead of your own, in Christ-like fashion, but also know that you can't please everyone all the time.  There will be times that people don't agree with decisions you make, and that's OK.

That sounds reasonable, doesn't it?

If you are silently answering, "yes, but...." then you probably have the same disorder I fight.

People Pleasing can be debilitating and will produce stomach churning anxiety.  You will worry about what someone thinks, but not just in a calm, rational way.  You will turn that worry over and over and over until you feel something similar to motion sickness.  You will attempt to predict how they will respond - usually with the worst case scenerio.  You will want to avoid the Scary Person (who is, you realize, just a person....not so scary, but you can't stop seeing them through scary lenses).  You will tell yourself you are virtuous because, really, you just want them to be happy.  You tell yourself you just want to please them, when really what you want to do is jump up and down in front of them and cry,

"please, please like me!  don't be mad at me!  please accept me!  PLEASE!"

This is no way to live (I tell myself).

In the midst of some strange and very specific rules for the Israelites in the book of Leviticus, there are five verses that jumped off the page into my people-pleasing heart yesterday.  (From chapter 18:1-5)

Then the Lord said to Moses, 

² “Give the following instructions to the people of Israel. 

I am the Lord your God. 

³ So do not act like the people in Egypt, where you used to live, 

or like the people of Canaan, where I am taking you. 

You must not imitate their way of life. 

⁴ You must obey all my regulations and be careful to obey my decrees, 

for I am theLord your God. 

⁵ If you obey my decrees and my regulations, 

you will find life through them. 

I am the Lord.

I hear the Lord reminding me:  Don't look at how other people live.  Don't try and do things the way they do them just because you think they'll like you more.  Don't worry about what they think about the decisions you make.  Look at Me!  Look at Me and please Me.  Not because you're bound to rules but because I AM the One who gives you life.  I AM your Lord.

The disorder will not go away over night and the knot in my stomach is still there to a degree, but now it serves as a reminder to surrender my worries, my identity to Jesus.

What to do.

I wrote this post in the afternoon, sitting alone and pensive in starbucks while I waited for my daughter.  After I picked her up, we went straight to our young families small group where I continued to question myself in yet another crucial area of life - parenting.  But I found hope for every area of my life... stay tuned until the post script.

~*~ 

Everyone has things they are good at. Areas in which they excel.

Everyone has things they are not so good at. Areas that require growth.

This is not new Information. I don't have to type it on this blog for you to know that it's the truth.

I have asked myself the question before: "would I give up something about myself that I like to replace something I don't like?" For I truly believe that when we want to change something about ourselves - even something as basic as our body shape- we don't always want to give up our "best feature" to replace it with the whole package of another. We want both. We want it all.

There is a quality in myself that I'm growing to really dislike. Not a physical thing, a behavior... or maybe it would be called a personality thing.

My flaw (as we can call it) has hurt people. It hurts me. My flaw is not sinful. I wouldn't even say its selfish, exactly....though some might call it that. But I think it has been a source of pain for people I care about. (or maybe I'm kidding myself, placing too much value on myself.)

There is no bible verse that directly speaks to this area; no specific steps to overcome. But there are people who are gifted in my area of weakness. I guess I can try and learn from them, try and force what seems to come easily for them.

A little bit more.

I won't do things as well as others, I won't always know what to do or say, but I can try in my own way. I can let go the insecurities that hold me back and follow through.

Bit by bit....
With imperfection.....

And the help of the Lord.

 ~*~

p.s.

The last discussion question of our small group series suggested we memorize a couple of verses.  My jaw dropped as I read them and realized they were just for me! (yes, I'm sure the other parents in the room could benefit from them, but I just know they're for me, the answer to all of the above questions.)

from the Message:

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

 

"He told me: my grace is enough.  

It's all you need.

My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen.

I quit focusing on the handicap and 

began appreciating the gift.

It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness.

Now I take limitations in stride, and 

with good cheer, 

these limitations that cut me down to size...

I just let Christ take over!

And so the weaker I get,

the stronger I become."

(may I never say again there's "no bible verse" that speaks to any part of my life!)

keeping it real as a parent

I've been keeping up fairly well with my Bible reading goal and I'm a little more than half way through Leviticus at this point.  I try not to think of it as "trudging through" - mainly because I know Numbers is a-comin' and those names can be trudgery at it's finest! ;)

I love how every time you read the Bible - whether the parts you've read a million times, or the things that seem brand new (or are new-to-you) - the Spirit enables a fresh thought or message for life.  Today as I was reading Leviticus 8 in the New Living Translation, a particular phrase jumped out at me as it was repeated over and over.

"...just as the LORD had commanded him."

Moses has heard all the Lord's instructions for the Tabernacle and the procedure for the offerings and priestly behaviour, and now his job is to anoint and ordinate Aaron and his sons for duty.  As he fulfills each requirement he is careful and meticulous in his obedience.

I started to think about my life and it was as though the Holy Spirit bold-printed the phrase

"...just as the LORD had commanded him."

in my Bible.  How often am I that meticulously obedient?  How often would the phrase more likely read:

"...pretty close to what the LORD commanded her."

or

"...kind of like what the LORD commanded her."

Have you begun to wonder if I put the wrong title to this post?

Something that has been rattling around in the parenting compartment of my brain - yes, even my brain is categorized and labelled - is about expectations.  I have noticed in myself a tendency to expect more from my kids that I do of myself.  Please don't be horrified, it's rather well-meaning if you think about it for a moment.  I want my kids to avoid making mistakes they'll one day regret or having attitudes they will later have to fix.  I want them to skip the part of life where they're unsure and doubting about their faith and move straight to the whole-hearted devotion part.

But as I realized again how far I've yet to grow in my obedience to the Lord, I was reminded again about the importance of the process.  Perfection is not what makes Grace sweet - it's acknowledging the inability to be perfect that makes Grace such a precious commodity.  The rules and laws of the Old Testament were put in place to remind God's people that they simply can't be good enough! ("for what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering..." Rom 8: 3)

So even though my 3 little blessings are unlikely to be able to do "just as Mom commanded them" all the time, I can show them grace - by lovingly correcting and guiding them - just as the Lord does with me.

In my mind, that's keeping it real as a parent.

what you think you want

I don't remember how it came to be, exactly - an ad in a flyer? a tv commercial?

All I remember is wanting it.  NEEDING it.  begging for it.

Getting it, opening the box and reading the instructions led to the first disappointment.  You don't just set up the fun maze and start playing the game of MouseTrap, you painstakingly put it together bit by bit, turn by turn.  You don't even activate the marble until the very end of the game - disappointment number two.  The third let down?  Surprise, surprise, the plastic pieces are not the highest quality and once one piece breaks, the game is useless.

Fast forward a good chunk of time....

I'm in the Toys'R'Us aisle with my kids, each with money to spend.  After MUCH convincing, I coerce them into each choosing a game.  My eldest spots the colourful Mouse Trap box and squeals in delight, "I've always wanted this game and it's ON SALE!"

Now Mom has a choice.  Does she tell the tale of heartache in years gone by, describing in great detail the disappointment the child will have to endure with this game?  Or does she smile and agree to the purchase. Inwardly, this mom wrestled a little.  Knowing what she wants and what she's about to get - and the vast canyon between the two....

She got it.
And I watched her go through the rise and fall of delight to despair.

If I had told her, I don't think she would even have believed me, truth be told.

How often what I think I want out of life turns out to be wrong.  I think I understand what I'm getting myself into.  I think I've thought of everything and yet....

The ultimate example of grace and mercy, my God lets me find my way - twisting and turning down every path - to His best for me.  Yes, sometimes it means disappointment along the way.  Yes, it can lead to despair.  But as I continue to align myself with His will, His goals and purposes, I will not be distracted by what the world tells me I need.  I will not make decisions based on preference or an effort to take the easy road.

The things I think I want - these ones that don't live up their promises - aren't the things that are best for me.  What the Lord wants for my life, the direction He would have me go, these are the things I need to build into my life - for His glory and my good.

"May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, 

who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, 

encourage your hearts and strengthen you 

in every good deed and word."  

2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

deconstructing criticism

I recently finished a 10 week bible study course by a well-known author.  I had read her books before, but didn't even know she had a bible study!  Week after week we gathered and watched a video of the author speaking on what we studied and then shared the insights we gained from the daily homework.


Anyone who knows me knows I love Beth Moore!  I love to delve into her bible study workbooks and am always amazed by what I learn.  Even more than that, I LOVE her preaching style!  I've heard others say that she's "a little much" for them, but I am so moved by her passion and love of the Lord and His Word!


The study I just finished was not one of Beth's.


I shouldn't have done it, but I compared this other lovely woman to Beth...


and I was critical...


so critical.


More than once I commented on the speaker's awkward speaking style.  I questioned how it was even possible that such a well-know author, who had obviously done many speaking engagements could have so many "flaws" in her communication style.


Then my girlfriend gave me this author's autobiography.  It told of a little girl who was raised by a mentally ill mother and locked in a closet for hours at a time.  The story went on to describe a young woman who spent hours with a vocal coach, trying to straighten out her speech.  As she found freedom in the Lord, she was delivered from much of the hurt of her past - praise the Lord!


but....ouch.


Another painful reminder about being judgmental.
  

 'He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, 

for my power is made perfect in weakness."'

2 Corinthians 12:9

If His grace is enough for me, why would it not be enough for me to extend to others?  How sorry I am that I allowed the devil to use a critical spirit to distract me from what the Lord may have taught me.....

or maybe this is the lesson.

springing

The year our family lived in North Carolina, I distinctly remember walking out our front door just before Easter, to find the strangest sight.  Little green leaves poking out of the front of our tiny garden.  'What could this be?' this Canandian wondered.

Over the next several days these green shoots blossomed into daffodils!  Imagine my surprise!  Flowers in full bloom -in MY garden, no less- in March! 

(We Canadians tend to roll our eyes at our American friends for questioning whether we live in igloos...and yet...though we certainly live in houses, we do NOT plant our flowers before May!  At least not on the prairies.)

That memory for now is tucked away, and I still have plenty of time to plan my garden, but today I'm so thankful to see the sun again after a solid week of fog and grey skies.  I have felt 'off-ish' all week. 

I'm so thankful for the sunshine that is currently melting the mucky snow in front of our home, but I'm more even more thankful for the beakthrough I had in a very important relationship last night!  The sun is a symbol to me of the Lord's unending grace and warm love.

"See I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up, do you not perceive it?"

Isaiah 43:19

go-to outfit

Is it just me, or does everyone have a

go-to outfit?

This is mine: 

jeans, black cardi with black scoop neck underneath 

& pendant with non-discript coloured stone.

This is what I put on this morning when I woke up feeling "blah" and not at all ready to face the day.

This is what I will always put on when my day is going to be extra full and potentially a little stressful.  The jeans aren't the most modern cut and the sweater is not the most flattering, but somehow when I wear this outfit I feel ok about myself.  I don't feel like I'll stand out or fade completely into the background.  I won't draw attention to myself, but I'll have presence when I need it.

Some mornings I wake up and feel bold, ready to take on the world.

Those days I might put on blue, or (gasp!) green!

I may even hunt for an accessory in pink.

Many days I wear grey -  for in grey I feel like I've found the middle ground, the even keel.  Not the black that many find harsh, but not the colours I can't always make myself wear.

I guess what I put on says quite a bit about how I'm feeling....

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, 

holy and dearly loved,

clothe yourself with compassion..."

Colossians 3:12

Lately in my spiritual walk, I've been asking the Lord for more compassion for people.  

I don't think I'm a completely dispassionate person, but I just want to empathize better and see more clearly into the places where people hurt.  

I want my go-to response to people to be one of compassion. 

The guy who cuts me off in traffic....

The lady counting out her pennies in the express checkout...

The friend who dismisses me...

The child who disobeys me....

I want to see people as Jesus sees them!

"Filled with compassion, Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man..."

Mark 1:41

"Jesus looked at him and loved him..."

Mark 10:21

"The Lord is FULL of compassion and mercy."

James 5:11

Lord, give me the courage to see beyond myself.  Let me weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice.  Give me a heart like Yours, let me see through Your eyes.

For Your glory and Your Kingdom.

amen.

really?

chips and dip?

at 9pm?

really?

Confession time, friends!  Last night after our Young Families Group left, we got things cleaned up and the kiddies settled into beds, and then decided to watch a movie.  (This is not unusual for us because after a long Sunday of ministry, my husband and I are equally worn out but wanting to have some time to relax together.)

I had enjoyed some lovely snacks provided for the growth group that evening, and yet there I was digging into one of (many of) my favorite treats.  WHY?  Was I hungry?  um....NO.  I just wanted it.  Are deep-fried chips and creamcheese based dip something my body needs or benefits from?  again - NO.

This morning as I rolled (ROLLED!) out of bed, heavy-laden from salty water-retention and over-fullness, the scripture that came to mind was from our friend Paul in Romans 7:

"I do not understand what I do. 

For what I want to do I do not do,

but what I hate, I do....

I have the desire to do what is good,

but I can't carry it out."

vv 15 & 18b

Maybe this seems a little extreme to you, after all it's just chips, right?

The problem is, I have been through the waters with the Lord in the area of food, and He has shown me how to have peace in my heart in this area:  Eat when my stomach is hungry.  Stop when I'm satisfied/politely full.  So when I give into the cravings of my heart (or mouth), I'm outside of my Father's best for me.   Of course like most people, I'm generally aware and conscious of making good, heathly choices for my body to operate at it's optimum, but I don't feel called to have a restrictive diet.

And so - the chips.  What made me dive in without even giving it a second thought?  My sinful nature longs for instant gratification, but my inner being delights in God's ways for me (Rom 7:21-23).  How do I move past this?

"Those who live according to the sinful nature

have their minds set on what that nature desires;

but those who live in

accordance with the Spirit

have their minds set on what the Spirit desires."

Romans 8:5

"Because through Christ Jesus the law of

the Spirit of life

set me free

from the law of sin and death."

Romans 8:1

Jesus said,

"The Spirit of the Lord is on me,

because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.

He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners..."

Luke 4:18 

Jesus Christ came to set me free from the power of sin - choosing to go my own way.  He desires for me to live according to the calling He has given me, and you to your calling also.

There is a passage that I love  in Isaiah that refers to the Sabbath, but can refer (I think) to other areas of life too:

"If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath and from doing as you please on my holy day,

if you call the Sabbath a delight and the Lord's holy day honorable,

and if you honor it by not going your own way

and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,

then you will find your joy in the Lord,

and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land

and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob.

The mouth of the Lord has spoken."

Isaiah 58:13-14

Isn't this what we want - to find our joy in the Lord, to ride with Him on the heights and sit down to the feast He has for us?  Praise God, He gives us everything we need (2 Pet 1:3)!

full circle

we're finally slowing down...

the parties are over...
the concerts completed with pizzazz!


the tree and decorations are put away and stored under the stairs...
tummies are full to the brim with more sweets than we can handle...
the new year has been rung in with minimal hoopla.


the first day of 2010 is coming to a close.


I sit back and reflect and I come full circle - to where this blog began....resolution.


Many people say resolutions are a waste of time.  My own husband/pastor preached from the pulpit that resolutions are not valuable, only attainable goals are worth setting.  But - (as I preached to him in the van on the way home from church!), I think there's value in resolutions.  And I think it's ok if they're a little lofty.  I am going to actually run a full marathon this year - or even lose the 5 pounds I've been wishing (but not working) to lose for the last 4 1/2 years?  probably not.  Will I read a non-fiction book each month?   Will I read the whole Bible cover to cover this year?  maybe I can!  I like to think about how I might grow and change and become a more lovely and worthy Christ-follower.  I like to dream about what my life would be like with perfect patience, joy and peace.  In my heart I know perfection isn't something to be achieved before heaven, but I also know it is the Lord that puts this dream in my heart.


peu à peu - (bit by bit) This expression is coined by "the French Woman" (who doesn't get fat).  She emphasizes in life and health that a french woman never makes a drastic change but rather does a small new thing each day.  


I think there's biblical truth there, too!


"Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." 2 Corinthians 4:16


The Message says the end part like this: "not a day goes by without his unfolding grace." 


I have the power and strength to be all the things God calls me to be, and He enables me to make the small changes it will take to become the vision He has for me!


I look up the long flight of stairs and dream about being up top, but take one step after the other to get there.

two way street

Have you ever noticed that when God is trying to teach you a lesson, or give you an opportunity for growth, your "problem" surfaces in more than one place?  Sometimes it seems that what was an issue for me in one area, suddenly is smacking me in the face in another area.  Sometime it's that there are "answers" to my problem coming from a variety of sources - usually not all good.

Today I'm thinking about life as a 2 way street.  That's what they say, right?  I think what they mostly mean is that you give and you get, neither all of one or the other; or what you give is what you get.  But today that brings me to a question:

Is that a distortion of God's Word?  In particular, I'm thinking of the verse in Matthew that says,

"Do to others what you would have them do to you" (Matthew 7:12)

Am I the only one who grew up taking this as some kind of guarantee?  That if I treat people a certain way, they will kindly reciprocate.  I would take it one step further, in all honesty, and say that I've thought they might not even be aware or willing, but that it would be a super-natural force pushing them to respond to me in kind.  I have turned this portion of a verse, the wisdom of Jesus, into a promise.  I have taught this verse to my children.  We even made posters one time that said "treat others the way you would like to be treated", and only now is it suddenly dawning on me why my eldest took the poster down shortly after it went up.  I think, I think, she may have thought it was false advertising!

What is my motivation for "doing" for others.  WHY should I treat others the way I want to be treated?  To get back that same lovely behaviour?  What happens when that doesn't happen?  Worse yet, what happens when I'm all the wiser, and I KNOW that it won't be reciprocated?   .....human response:

why bother?

why try to change things, to improve things when I'm the only one working at it?

what's the point?

can I really let them off the hook, not hold them accountable?

what about all the junk in the past that brought me to this hard-hearted place?

what about ME?

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? 

I am making a way in the desert

and streams in the wasteland."

Isaiah 43:18-19

I want a new thing.  I want a new name written on a white stone (Revelation 2:17).  I want to overcome my hurt feelings and loneliness. I want a new heart (Ezekiel 36:26)!  It has to happen within me, where the Holy Spirit lives - I can't expect this to happen because all my expectations of others are finally met the way I think they should be.

With Your help, and by Your mercy, O Lord.

all things to all people

I'm knee-deep in the middle of a very busy week and I'm fighting the strong inclincation to feel

discouraged

I have forgotten a coffee date

I have hurt the feelings of a friend - unintentional but....still hurt

I spent a lunch with friends on an emergency call that probably should have waited

My attention has been so divided

I'm having trouble focusing

I wish I had know about birthdays that were today

I wish my kids lunches were more normal and full

I wish my kitchen floor were clean and I'm wondering when my laundry will get done

People are telling me I look tired-

I wish I could take that as concern and not an insult

I can't help but wonder if my job will bring the results I'm praying for

I am fighting to keep it together.

Gavin knows I have a bit of a fasination with the Duggar family (you know, the ones with 18 and counting kids?), so he brought home from the library the book they published about their life and show on TLC.  Now there's a busy bunch!  The book has a nice lite-read kind of format, which is perfect for brain-drain weeks like this, and part of that means there are responses to popular questions they get asked.  Of course, scheduling is always a big one! Michelle (the mom) writes about having goals for each day, but realizing the life happens and you need to go with the flow.

"As the parents of all these children, we've gotten over

 any perfectionist tendancies we might once have had."

The Duggars: 20 and Counting!

Am I going to have to go ahead and have 20 kids to release my tendancy to want to be all things to all people - to let go of my desire for earthly perfection?  I love my kids, but 3 is plenty at this point! 

What about today?

What about this crazy week....month?

What if life doesn't slow down?

"Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach..."

really? something even I could do?

"It is not up in heaven, so that you have to ask, 'Who will ascend into heaven to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?'"

then where do I go to get this command?

"Not is it beyond the sea, so that you have to ask, 'Who will cross the sea to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?'"

no delivery date?

"No, the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart so you may obey it."

I already have everything I need!

"Love the LORD your God,

Listen to His voice, and

Hold fast to Him.

For the LORD is your life"
Deuteronomy 30:11-14, 16

Oh Lord, enable me to live by Your Spirit, to be guided by Your wisdom in seasons of busy-ness and times of rest.  Let your love lead me so I can walk confidently through each day.  amen.

today

Today I have a choice. I can focus on the concerns that weigh my heart down - hurt feelings and unanswered questions- or I can focus on the Lord. I can look at the confusion that often comes from being in human relationships, or I can let my gaze fall upon perfection in the One who will never change His mind about me. The choice isn't always easy, but today I choose Him. I choose to:

"set my mind on things above, not on earthly things."

(Colossians 3:2)

Feel the freedom!

My friend, Sherri, posted this link on Facebook a couple of days ago and when I watched it, I was moved to worship. Is that a little weird? likely. One thing that struck me was the way the bodies moved and the way movement spread. Go with that concept in your own mind as you will. The other thing that got me was this overwhelmingly positive attitude. I wish I could say that I'm a person who is naturally optimistic and upbeat, but I don't think that it would be truthful! I seem to more easily see the empty half of the glass.

But while I watched this video over and over, the Spirit spoke to me, telling me that I could have this kind of life by choice. I could begin my days with the Lord and an attitude that says this will be a good day!

At this point I should make the disclaimer that this song advocates a lifestyle I certainly do not! But praise the Lord that we can worship through all kinds of avenues, not just typical worship music! When the Black Eyed Peas sing "fill up my cup" I'm pretty sure (tongue in cheek!) they mean with alcohol. When I sing it along, I'm praying that the Lord will fill up my cup for this day - with His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control! Oh Lord, let it overflow!

I gotta feeling....that today's gonna be a good day! That today's gonna be a good good day!

pause

Last week we enjoyed a family vacation, given to us as a gift.  We had hoped to get away with the kids (somewhere besides camp, though camp is great!) but it didn't look like there would be a way for us to make it happen.  When the opportunity came to head out to the West Coast - we happily jumped at it!

A week on Vancouver Island showed me parts of God's creation that I hadn't seen before, or at least not like this.  I savoured the moments in my heart, but had very busy hands helping the kids with this, that and the other.

On the flight home last night, I finally had a moment to ponder the things I had seen.  The word that came to my mind was

Splendor!

I scanned my bible concordance for this word and immediately found a passage of scripture that perfectly fit my response.

1 Chornicles 16:29-34

      Bring an offering and come before Him;

worship the Lord in the splendor of His holiness

Tremble before Him, all the earth!

The world is firmly established; it cannot be moved.

Let the heavens be rejoice, let the earth be glad;

let them say among the nations, "The Lord reigns!"

Let the sea resound, and all that is in it;

Let the fields be jubilant, and everything in them!

Then the trees of the forest will sing,

they will sing for joy before the Lord,

for He comes to judge the earth.

Give thanks to the Lord, for His is good; His love endures forever!

I'm very thankful.

I'm thankful for people who want to include us in their vacation.

I'm thankful for old friends that give freely, lovingly, with such warmth.

I'm thankful for twisty roads that, though they make us a little nauseous, always open up to a new and beautiful scene to behold.

I'm thankful for safety and fun, for being together.

I'm thankful for movies on the flight that gave me time to praise my loving Lord for all He has done, from the beginning of time to today in my little life.

His love goes on and on.

hard habit to break

I went to peek in on Cassidy this evening and found this sweet sight!  My baby asleep - fairy wings intact!  Of course, the other thing I quickly noticed was that thumb in her mouth.

We've talked about quitting.

~discussed why one shouldn't suck their thumb

~googled books on helping your child think it is their idea

~planned for rewards, should we undertake the task of really breaking this habit

And yet, a month after her fourth birthday, I wasn't at all surprised to see this tonight.  I know there are likely equal numbers of people who would say, "oh, don't force it - she'll quit eventually" and "I can't believe you've let it go on this long!"

Honestly, I'm not ready to commit to making it stop altogether, so for now I gently remind her when I see it - and sometimes turn a blind eye.

Here's a question:

If you're my friend (or you have some other friend) and you see me practicing a bad habit (maybe something worse than nail biting....gossip?...road rage?....over-indulgence?...), what do you do?  Do you call me on it?  Or do you assume I'm already working on it?  Or do you think I'll quit eventually (the Holy Spirit will convict me of this issue eventually)?

Here's another question:

If you're my friend - am I ready to hear this kind of constructive criticism from you?  Am I going to judge you by suddenly noticing with new clarity that you don't exactly have your act completely together?  Am I going to sulk, broken-hearted that people don't love me 'just as I am'?

Put on love! ~ see Colossians 3:12-17 ~

"Whatever you do, whether in word or in deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." (v 17)

I'm thankful I have people in my life who are willing to take a stand for my good and tell me (gently!) things I need to improve upon.  

And I'm working on being the kind of person that can apply godly knowledge to encourage those I care about!

weeds

I have had the most lovely, home-body kind of weekend! I spent hours and hours puttering around outside, happily planting more flowers (is enough ever really enough?), and cleaning up the deck. I also decided that since my husband was away, I would serve him by doing a job he had been putting off.....ok, that's a nice way of saying I simply couldn't wait any longer for it it get done!

I decided to pull the weeds out of our back parking pad.

How bad can it be, right? I can safely say (and my poor back will agree) it was bad!

As I began tugging up the deep-rooted dandelions, at first it was almost fun. Yes, I do know that's weird, but there was such a feeling of accomplishment when I would twist the plant just so and know with all my heart that I had pulled up the entire root! As I slowly and methodically pulled weed after weed, I got to thinking - this is not nearly as satisfying as pulling the weeds (all 5 of them) out of my new window box. This job was tedious, literally painful (again, my back!) and not completely successful (so many weeds....).

In the parable of the weeds in Matthew 13, Jesus calls the weeds "the children of the evil one."

sin.

I started thinking about sin in my own life and how when I've caught it early, before I grew too attached to it (before the roots went down too deep) it was fairly easy to repent and release said sin.

I continued yanking (are these dandelions multiplying before my eyes??) and I thought about the times in my past when I've allowed a "pet" sin to grow and grow, thinking I could control it and it wasn't that big of a deal.....after all, God has alot more important things to worry about than my problem with ________......

After a particularly stubborn root knocked me off my feet (such a sight for the neighbours to behold!), I remembered the sorrow, pain, and discipline it took to clear that sin out of my life. It didn't happen over night, that is for certain!

O Lord, keep me from going there again. Help me to be honest with myself and honest with You, so I can keep short accounts of the ways I stray. Grant me Your grace to admit I can't live a moment without Your touch.

"Yet if you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to him, if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear. You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning. You will be secure, because there is hope."

Job 11:13-18

and so it begins....

I'm new to the world of blogs.

But ever since I started reading the blogs of some friends and some strangers, it got me to wondering: why would a person do this?  Also, would I ever feel like I had something to blog about?  

As recently as this morning, I decided again, "no.  no one would want to read something I would have to say.  there's nothing to be gained by it."

or is there?

This afternoon I started a new bible study.  It suggests that you get the most of it if you do it in a group.  Well, I guess I'm not going to get "the most" since I'm doing it on my own.  

The study is about body image (and I'm not ready to go there yet!) but it got me thinking about other areas of my life.  While the study led me through scripture passages about being appreciative of the body the Lord made for me, I thought of other areas of my life in which I seem to never be happy.

This pile of books sits on my night stand and represents the many areas where I have tended to see myself as "not good enough."

~Why can't I be a better wife?  How can I get him to be better to me?

~Why won't my kids just obey?  What am I doing wrong?

~I'm supposed to be a worship leader...am I living that from Monday-Saturday?

~Oh devotions!  Will ever do it right and get up at 6am for that special time?

~I want to be a leader that casts vision...yet I feel so blind!

~Shouldn't I know at least most of my Bible by now??

These books, written to teach, encourage and inspire me.  I've let them taunt and chastise me.  Not because of their content or the way they're written - because of how I see myself.

Today it changes.

Don't be alarmed by the title of my blog.  I'm not looking to get more "stuff" and I'm not looking to achieve my list in 6 easy steps.  I want to look for ways to live out 2 Peter 1:5-8 each day.  Just a little bit at a time.

I won't be perfect.  That's ok.

I won't get it all right every time.  Don't give up.

Some days, it will seem like I'm not adding, but subtracting!  No one is keeping score!

a little bit more.....

care to join me?