Monday

walking in the room
i felt drawn to her
as i always have

she would greet me with a smile
a big hug
"my girl"
something cooking on the stove

i looked at her face-
was her brow furrowed
or are the lines there from years of squinting in the sun?

her eyes laid closed
but i remember their sparkle
blue like love

i held her hand
it was warmer than the other day
her breathing has changed

i looked at her arm and asked about the bruises
i thought about her watch and
how i used to turn and stretch it as she held my hand
and i studied her skin

i stroked her hand and saw her wedding ring
such a lovely setting
her heart belonging only to him even after he was gone

i listened to her breathe
like a deep sleep
with a sense of urgency
and i prayed

we love her, Jesus
we know You do too
be her Comfort
be her Peace

amen.

love baked in a bundt

today was a day without a to-do list.
what a gift!

i popped into the lab nearby to get some (overdue) blood work done and it took no time at all, so i got groceries and headed for home.  after some coffee and relaxation, i figured it was the perfect day to do some baking for the kids' lunches.  i have no problem with sending the odd store bought baking, but i know they like some of the things i bake better, so i pulled out butter and flour, bananas and cocoa for their favourite bundt cake.

i gazed out the kitchen window as i creamed butter, sugar and eggs and watched a squirrel race along the trees as the snow drifted down. serene.

i thought of my kids and the reward of their delight when i offer this baked goodness as an after school snack.

i remembered last night at the dinner table when one of them shared a dream for their future that included a life of ministry.  oh Lord, thank you.  even if the dream is never realized, or if minds change, as they do - it was there.  for that moment ministry life wasn't something that was negative or unappealing.... it was there.

and so i prayed as i folded dry into wet and added chocolate chips for fun.

take them Lord.
call them and use them.
for Your glory....Your glory.

this is how i baked my love, prayer and even a few tears into a bundt cake on an average Tuesday afternoon.

~*~

want a easy recipe for the people in your life?  try this one!  it's pretty vague because i chicken-scratched on a scrap of paper from who-knows-where, but you can figure it out. (i believe in you!)

Banana-Chocolate Bundt Cake

1 1/4 c. flour

1 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/2 c. cocoa powder

1/4 tsp salt

1 tsp instant coffee

1/2 c. butter (room temp)

1 1/2 c. sugar

2 eggs

3 bananas (i always add 4-5)

1 cup chocolate chips

~preheat oven to 350F

~spray bundt pan

~mix dry ingredients

~separate bowl: cream butter, add sugar & eggs, mix well; add bananas, mix briefly

~add dry to wet, don't overdo; fold in chocolate chips

~bake 50-60 minutes

angst

being a parent is way harder than i ever imagined it would be.

when i had babies, it was all about feeding, changing and cuddling.  i worried when they cried for a long time or slept along time or ate more/less than usual...

when i had toddlers, it was all about routine, play and cuddling.  i worried about teaching them rules for life - clean up after you make a mess, say please and thank you and the like....

as they started school, it was still about routine with plenty of time for play and less-frequent cuddles (by their choice).  i worried about them fitting in and making friends, being able to do school with some degree of 'success' and developing Christ-like character...

my kids are still young, but now that they are learning more about the world and people, my heart breaks regularly.  it is so hard to hear how they process friendships.  it is so hard to hear them say they feel stupid in a particular situation or like they don't fit.  it is so hard to watch them struggle.  i've never known such pain in my heart.  honestly, sometimes i wonder if i'd known how much this would hurt...

and they're not even teenagers yet.

i've heard mothers further along on the journey say how having children drove them to their knees more than ever before.  i don't think i could say i fully understood that when they were babies, toddlers, pre-and-early-schoolers.  don't get me wrong - i've always prayed for my kids, and i probably would have told you i understood the real need for prayer at every stage.

but now.

tears and questions that i have no answers for lead me to lean on Jesus in a new way.  the angst of my child brings angst in my own heart - sometimes reliving my own youth, sometimes watching something i've never seen before.  i desperately want to have all the answers.  where are the books that give me all the answers??  i want to make it all better, like kissing a boo-boo and applying a colourful bandage, but i just can't.

and so i give lots of hugs and listen even more.  i try to reassure and encourage.  i point to scripture and tell my own stories.  and i pray, and pray, and pray.

¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches
he may strengthen you 

with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 

¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. 

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 

¹⁸ may have power, 

together with all the Lord’s holy people, 

to grasp how wide 

and long 

and high 

and deep 

is the love of Christ, 

¹⁹and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—

that you may be filled to the measure 

of all the fullness of God.

eph 3:16-19

maybe it was the oranges...

Last night as I was driving to the Prayer Supper, I was thinking about this blog and how long it's been since I've posted and how I have nothing (good) to say and so what's the point...  I was trying to figure out why I seem to have nothing to offer in this place and a word popped into my head:

navel gazing 





I received this cute card years ago from a cousin.
I wish I could remember what it said, but
I think she gave it to me, because this exactly
what I looked like as a child! :)

Maybe it was because I bought some big, beautiful navel oranges at the supermarket that morning, but as this term rolled around in my mind, I thought of how preoccupied I've been with myself; how I've been looking at the world, my circumstances, things and people through my own eyes of discontent.  Who wants to read about that?? 



Part of the reason I took a break from blogging last spring, was because I was beginning to notice a trend toward the negative in my writing.  (Unfortunately, this comes all to easily.)  While I have no desire to try and paint a "my life is so rosy and perfect" picture, I also committed to refraining from what I call "rebellious ranting."  This is where I just tell you all the junk in my life and leave it there.  I don't believe that's what God wants for me to share here or to live in my life.  Yes, there is junk.  Plenty!  But I refuse to dump my troubles off here without any sense of hope... I'm afraid if I started that, I would never ever stop.



So as I reached the half-way point of my drive to the church, I wondered what the opposite of navel gazing would be and immediately one word came to mind:

WORSHIP

Hmm.  Not service?  Not peace?

No, I thought, for only when my eyes are fixed on the Lord can I truly see life and the world, my circumstances and people as He sees them.  Only when I truly understand who He is, what He's done and is doing, will my life have meaning and purpose and value.

I almost wanted to keep driving past Charleswood Road so I could continue thinking and praying about these things, but alas, my van automatically turned into the parking lot where I arrived late to the teaching time of our monthly prayer supper nights.  It was 15 minutes into the Prayer:Remix DVD we had planned to watch, and I settled in quickly to try and figure out what Louie Giglio was going to share about prayer.

Giglio confronted the idea of how we usually pray (Dear Lord, thank you for this day, bless me, my family, the events of the day, forgive my sins, in Jesus' name, amen.) and suggested we start by understanding and acknowledging that we are blessed.  That the blessing promised to Abraham was fulfilled in Jesus and poured out on us, His followers, and that there is no further need to request God's blessing.  He has already given us everything we need!

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ."

Ephesians 1:3

This is worship!  Eyes off of me, and on to Him.



What if we chose to "remix" the way we pray and begin and end by acknowledging all we have and all we are in and through Christ? 

Would I even be able to begin to look for my navel?