lies

I've just finished week 3 of my homework for "James, Mercy Triumphs" by Beth Moore.  The study has been really good, as have the group discussion times and the dvd talks by Beth.  I must confess, though, that I haven't really felt anything major - am I the only one who comes to a Bible study hoping to have my world rocked?

I hadn't that is, until day 2 of week 3.

How many times have I asked myself "Why?"  Why can't I control my ________?  Why can't I resist ______?  Why do I seem to forget what God has shown me in His Word?  Why do I continue to fail in the same areas? Why isn't this working for me?

(that's so many 'whys' now, that it doesn't even look like a real word when I type it....)

Day 2 of week 3 answered my question, and asked me to draw a picture.

James 1:23-24 - 

"Anyone who listens to the word and does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror, and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like."

Is this really true of me?

Beth somehow - by God's grace - spoke just to me when she wrote:

"We can underline our Bibles till our pens run dry without a drop of ink splattering our lives.  The self-deception slithers in when we mistake appreciation for application or being touched with being changed." (p78)

My Bible is full of underlining - particularly for my areas of struggle.  Anything related to these things is underlined, highlighted, and sometimes starred!  Any yet, I'm not experiencing the victory I thought I would, or could.

self-deception.

How am I lying to myself?  And how is that keeping me from the life I desire, the life God desires?

I have told myself that knowing and reading the Word will change me.  I nod knowingly when I hear a scripture through which the Lord has spoken to me.  Oh, I know that one,  I think to myself, that one says it so well. And then I walk away and forget.

"The Word of God, however, is meant to do more than penetrate.  It's meant to activate." (p 78)

I have a very poor memory - people close to me can attest to that.  I have said that maybe that was the problem.  I do forget - because I'm just a forgetful person, is what I'd tell you!  

And yet, through this study the Lord spoke to my heart saying that was a lie.  It's not that I'm forgetful, or that I choose not to remember.  It's that I've allowed myself to be deceived into thinking that if the Lord really wanted me to change, He wouldn't let me rest until I gave into Him.  That He would do whatever it took until I experienced victory.

Leaving me, of course, as the passer-by in a sense.  The one who passively accepts the Lord's movement in my life.  It seems almost extra-righteous to think that I'm just waiting on the Lord to change my mind and my heart so much that my actions will (magically) follow.  I've been inspired by the Word, I'm just waiting for the Lord to do the rest....

"Simply put, the Word was meant to work. And, through it, we were meant to bear fruit." (pp 78-79)

I am to bear fruit - that's my part.  Not as a way of earning God's love or salvation, but as a response to the truth He brings into my life!

It reminds me of a time that I devoted myself to getting up early every, every day.  For the first two weeks, every morning when the alarm went off and my bed felt too warm to leave, I would repeat to myself:

"this is what discipline looks like, this is what discipline looks like..."

I can hear the prompting of the Lord to change an attitude or behaviour, but if I don't exercise the discipline to follow through, I am that person looking in the mirror.  I walk away and forget what I look like.  I walk away and forget that I'm a bearer of the very image of God, created for a life of victory in and through Jesus.  Not just once, at salvation, but every day - by His grace.  

But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it - not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it - they will be blessed in what they do.

James 1:25

"It's not until the hearing turns into DOING that believing leads to BLESSING." (p 79)

How does this rock your world today?  

this mom's heart

I'm not like other moms.  The things that can melt a mother's heart (tiny sleepers, first steps, first day of school) are not the things that make this mama weep.  Sure, I marvel at sleepers and celebrate all the firsts along the way, but the one thing that warms my heart as I watch my children grow is watching them move in the world with confidence.

via

Yesterday was our elementary school's annual bar-be-que.  This was a much anticipated event for the kids and I was all set to do my part volunteering at the ice cream station!  As the kids jumped out of the van, they ran into the school yard, each independently looking for their friends.  Almost three years ago, we first pulled up to that school and the two eldest stayed together until the bell rang.  They were the new kids and nervous about meeting everyone and how they would fit in.

As I watched them stroll around, acting like they owned the place, I praised God for what He's doing in these ones He's given me for this while.  I thanked God that even though we moved around a bit in the early years of their education, my kids are strong and confident.  They know who they are and that they're loved.  And as each one caught my eye, smiled and waved at different points of the evening, my heart squeezed with a mixture of pride and pain seeing them grow before my very eyes.

I'm in the early part of the book of Proverbs in my reading and I can identify with the father wanting to pass down wisdom to his son; wanting to prevent his son from making some of the same mistakes and yet releasing him to his own journey; putting faith in God, not parenting techniques.

To my children:

 "I have not stopped giving thanks for you, 

remembering you in my prayers. 

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, 

the glorious Father, 

may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, 

so that you may know him better. 

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened 

in order that you may know

 the hope to which he has called you, 

the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, 

and his incomparably great power for us who believe. 

(eph 1:16-19a)

story

{quote from i am not but i know I AM by Louie Giglio}

"And how would we know when we have slipped back into the story of us? We know when we see these telling signs:

When I live like I'm privileged, I have lost the plot. In other words, when I start acting like I deserve a certain outcome or a higher standard of life, I have failed to strike the fatal blow to self and am living like I actually have rights in this world apart from God.

When I am demanding, I have lost the plot, insisting that God and others meet my needs on the timetable that I see fit.

When I act pompous, I have lost the plot, thinking that I am somebody while only proving that I haven't had a good look at God today.

When I crumble under the pressure, I have lost the plot, declaring that the outcome of life rests squarely on my shoulders, not His.

When I  start protecting, I have lost the plot, marking turf as though it were actually mine and forgetting that everything I have comes first from above.

When I crave the spotlight for myself, I have lost the plot, losing sight of the story line and the one true Star. And every time I do it I waste one of life's fleeting chances to make my life truly count by amplifying Him.

When I fail to celebrate the successes of others who are living for His fame, I have lost the plot, thinking that possibly we are on different teams when we actually share supporting roles in the same story.

When I dwell on feelings of being unloved, unnoticed, or insignificant, I have lost the plot, abandoning the miracle of knowing God on a first name basis.

But to die to self is to gain on an unfathomable scale- a daily funeral that is nothing more than the doorway to a life filled with the matchless wonder of all that HE is."

Then [Jesus] said to them all: 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me, will save it.'

Luke 9:23-24

 what's your story?

long list



find it

 It should come as no surprise that when it comes to my life, I'm always looking for ways to improve.  The very title of this blog is representative of my life: 

"a little bit more"

Verses that speak to my heart often include lists.  Ones like:

  ~2 Peter 1:5-9

~Romans 5:1-4

~Titus 2:4-5

~Zephaniah 3:17

~1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

~Micah 6:8

~Proverbs 2:1-5

~Colossians 3:12-15

~Psalm 143:8-10

~Job 11:13-18

~Deuteronomy 30:11-20

When I make a new year's resolution list, it usually will have categories and sub-headings... I do realize how crazy that sounds, and maybe right about now you're beginning to feel sorry for me, thinking that I'm so burdened by trying to live up to some impossible standard...

Well the thing is, I just don't see it that way.

Resolutions for me, are not something that I keep or break, start and stop.  It's pursuit.  It's reaching. 

Maybe I am worthy of your pity, but I feel perfectly balanced when I can be content with who I am and strive, with the Lord's help, to be more. 

I think that is why I feel really good about having only one item on my list this year.  It comes from a book I've been reading called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  Right from the beginning, I could identify with this author.  So when she said that number one on her list of Twelve Personal Commandments was "Be Gretchen," it really struck me.  And so perhaps is comes as no big surprise that my one resolution this year is to

Be Becky.

I recently discovered that someone who, after getting to know me a bit, has (I'm pretty sure) decided they're not that fond of me.  (gasp!)  ...and ouch.  And yet, it's ok.  I'm tired of trying to "fit" with people - I'm not even sure that it's honouring to the Lord.  When I alter my ideas or personality just to play by the rules of others, I'm not being who God has made me to be.

Let me be clear about what I'm not saying.

I'm not saying that in order to keep my resolution, I'm going to "let it all hang out" or be so completely (and offensively) "authentic" that I will be repulsive to be around.  At least I hope not! :)

What I long for in my life is what God wants for me based on His Word alone.  (This is why a sub-heading for my resolution is to a) learn who I am in Christ by reading the Bible from cover to cover.)  I want to grow up in Him, making choices in every area of my life (parenting, home decor, ministry, fashion, marriage, friendships) based on my gifts and His strength channeled through me - NOT based on fitting in or the concern of "rocking the boat."

audience of One.

My friend preached a sermon yesterday from the book of Philippians about "Pressing On."  As I looked into my favorite bible, underlined all over the place, I felt a pull toward learning this little book inside and out.  And so I chose from it my verse for this year:

"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more

in knowledge and depth of insight,

so that you may be able to discern

what is best

and may be pure and blameless

until the day of Christ,

filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ-

to the glory and praise of God."

Philippians 1:9-11

What better words to strengthen and encourage me to keep my resolve!

have YOU chosen a verse for 2011?

what you think you want

I don't remember how it came to be, exactly - an ad in a flyer? a tv commercial?

All I remember is wanting it.  NEEDING it.  begging for it.

Getting it, opening the box and reading the instructions led to the first disappointment.  You don't just set up the fun maze and start playing the game of MouseTrap, you painstakingly put it together bit by bit, turn by turn.  You don't even activate the marble until the very end of the game - disappointment number two.  The third let down?  Surprise, surprise, the plastic pieces are not the highest quality and once one piece breaks, the game is useless.

Fast forward a good chunk of time....

I'm in the Toys'R'Us aisle with my kids, each with money to spend.  After MUCH convincing, I coerce them into each choosing a game.  My eldest spots the colourful Mouse Trap box and squeals in delight, "I've always wanted this game and it's ON SALE!"

Now Mom has a choice.  Does she tell the tale of heartache in years gone by, describing in great detail the disappointment the child will have to endure with this game?  Or does she smile and agree to the purchase. Inwardly, this mom wrestled a little.  Knowing what she wants and what she's about to get - and the vast canyon between the two....

She got it.
And I watched her go through the rise and fall of delight to despair.

If I had told her, I don't think she would even have believed me, truth be told.

How often what I think I want out of life turns out to be wrong.  I think I understand what I'm getting myself into.  I think I've thought of everything and yet....

The ultimate example of grace and mercy, my God lets me find my way - twisting and turning down every path - to His best for me.  Yes, sometimes it means disappointment along the way.  Yes, it can lead to despair.  But as I continue to align myself with His will, His goals and purposes, I will not be distracted by what the world tells me I need.  I will not make decisions based on preference or an effort to take the easy road.

The things I think I want - these ones that don't live up their promises - aren't the things that are best for me.  What the Lord wants for my life, the direction He would have me go, these are the things I need to build into my life - for His glory and my good.

"May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, 

who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, 

encourage your hearts and strengthen you 

in every good deed and word."  

2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

lent

They say if you really want to know if you love something too much, try to live without it.  

Well, apparently I have discovered how much I really love my tv.


how sad.


I suspected it was the case, which is why I gave it up for Lent.  


I contemplated whether I was even willing to talk about this because I find it kind of embarassing.  TV? Really?  Plus, I'm a little afraid that by admitting I have given up tv, people will think I must watch it all day, every day.  Let me assure you, that is simply not so!  I have my shows, yes.  And I would tend to end my day with a little dose of tmz (did I seriously just admit that?).  Oh, and occasionally I'd flip to Ellen in the morning if I were really tired....


yikes, it's adding up!


Regardless, it's been almost a full week since Lent began last Wednesday and I'm ashamed to say it's been so hard!  G jokes that it's like I turned my back on a friend and now she's turned her back on me.


I'm so restless.


I'm SO bored.


I sit in front of the computer and I'm bored.  I read a book and I'm bored.


I don't even feel like shopping!  


I've been going to bed at 9pm because I'm too tired (or lazy, or lethargic) to do anything productive and too bored to just SIT there.


BUT, the point of giving something up at Lent isn't to fill that time or energy with just anything (don't think I didn't consider how many of my shows are available for watching online!).  The point is to use that time to reflect on the sacrifice Jesus made by giving up His home in heaven and coming to earth to be my Saviour!  The point is to identify with Him in some small way, and watch to see how He fills in the empty spaces.

"Open wide your mouth and I will fill it."

Psalm 81:10b

When I give the Lord my extra time, He MULTIPLIES it!  I didn't spend hours on end watching tv each day, and yet without it I'm able to:

Spend more time on my Bible Study homework, 

really letting it take root in my life instead of rushing to just get it done!

Listen to all those Focus on the Family Podcasts I've been

downloading for months.  What do you know, I'm actually LEARNING a thing or two!

Bake blueberry muffins and raisin bread with a very pleased 4 year old.

I felted old wool sweaters to make these sweet brooches I saw online.

(I know, that's just going too far...)

I even have time to not only think about but also PREPARE for some 

speaking-type things I have coming up.

I've been waking up rested - and haven't slept through morning devos with G once!

My fridge is clean and I think I may even get to the pile of ironing!

Heck, I might even EXERCISE!

I'm accountable now, and that's a little scary, but I'm just taking it a day at a time.  I want to offer the best of my days to the Lord, not the scraps!  Until the lenten season is over, I will persevere :)  but I'm also praying that this will enable me to use more wisdom and discernment in the future!

did YOU give anything up? (and has it been as hard for you as it has been for me?)

weeds

I have had the most lovely, home-body kind of weekend! I spent hours and hours puttering around outside, happily planting more flowers (is enough ever really enough?), and cleaning up the deck. I also decided that since my husband was away, I would serve him by doing a job he had been putting off.....ok, that's a nice way of saying I simply couldn't wait any longer for it it get done!

I decided to pull the weeds out of our back parking pad.

How bad can it be, right? I can safely say (and my poor back will agree) it was bad!

As I began tugging up the deep-rooted dandelions, at first it was almost fun. Yes, I do know that's weird, but there was such a feeling of accomplishment when I would twist the plant just so and know with all my heart that I had pulled up the entire root! As I slowly and methodically pulled weed after weed, I got to thinking - this is not nearly as satisfying as pulling the weeds (all 5 of them) out of my new window box. This job was tedious, literally painful (again, my back!) and not completely successful (so many weeds....).

In the parable of the weeds in Matthew 13, Jesus calls the weeds "the children of the evil one."

sin.

I started thinking about sin in my own life and how when I've caught it early, before I grew too attached to it (before the roots went down too deep) it was fairly easy to repent and release said sin.

I continued yanking (are these dandelions multiplying before my eyes??) and I thought about the times in my past when I've allowed a "pet" sin to grow and grow, thinking I could control it and it wasn't that big of a deal.....after all, God has alot more important things to worry about than my problem with ________......

After a particularly stubborn root knocked me off my feet (such a sight for the neighbours to behold!), I remembered the sorrow, pain, and discipline it took to clear that sin out of my life. It didn't happen over night, that is for certain!

O Lord, keep me from going there again. Help me to be honest with myself and honest with You, so I can keep short accounts of the ways I stray. Grant me Your grace to admit I can't live a moment without Your touch.

"Yet if you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to him, if you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent, then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear. You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning. You will be secure, because there is hope."

Job 11:13-18