struggling with struggle

We have our three kids in regular swim lessons throughout the school year for one reason: so they can safely have fun in the water when we spend a few weeks at the lake in the summer.  It's not easy on cold winter nights to convince them that lessons are a good idea, that it's 'worth it' to get wet before returning to -25°C weather....

So we remind them, "Summer's coming, and you need these skills to safely have fun at the lake!"

My youngest has been in lessons for the shortest period of time but has done so well that this week she was moved up to the next level.  She no longer would be in the "little" pool, but would begin to learn real swimming skills in the big pool!  She was a little nervous, but the instructors thought she was ready, so we encouraged her to give it a try.  By the time we arrived for the lesson she was ready!

I had brought a book, thinking I would get caught up some reading during the lesson, but I couldn't take my eyes off my child.  The pool was deep, and she clung to the side.  She clung to the teacher at she tried kicking with the flutter board and floating on her back and front.  My exuberant, smiliest  child had a hard frown of concentration.  It was the first time I'd ever seen her look stressed.  I moved from sitting on the bench to pressing my nose against the glass wall separating us.  She saw me and gave me a solemn wave.  She was struggling.  I was struggling.  Everything in me wanted to go in there and pull her out of that pool.

At the end of the lesson I waited pool-side as she jumped happily into the water over, and over.  And while I dried her hair I quizzed her about her feelings during the lessons.  "Was it too hard?"  "Was the water too cold?"  "Did you have fun?"  My 4 year old reassured me that it was fun, it was cold a first but then got warm, and she liked learning to swim.  She bragged that she had been in all the parts of the pool that her big sister and brother go every week!

Of course, this mommy didn't recover quite so quickly!

And as I reflected on how my heart broke watching her struggle, I thought of my Heavenly Father and what it might be like for Him to watch His children struggle.  I wondered if there's a part of Him that would like to swoop down and rescue us as we walk through the valley.  I imagined the tears in His eyes as He notices the look of hard determination in our eyes - we will not give up this time.  And then I could see His smile when we've come to the other side, so pleased with ourselves; the work was worth it!

And we've grown!  We are new and different.

We were never promised an easy life.  But with the Lord as our focus, we can do the difficult and even accomplish what we thought was impossible!

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith,

 who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat

 down at the right hand of the throne of God. 

Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, 

so that

you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Hebrews 12:2-3

Jesus suffered on the cross SO THAT we will not grow weary and lose heart.

Strength for today, and bright hope for tomorrow....

all things to all people

I'm knee-deep in the middle of a very busy week and I'm fighting the strong inclincation to feel

discouraged

I have forgotten a coffee date

I have hurt the feelings of a friend - unintentional but....still hurt

I spent a lunch with friends on an emergency call that probably should have waited

My attention has been so divided

I'm having trouble focusing

I wish I had know about birthdays that were today

I wish my kids lunches were more normal and full

I wish my kitchen floor were clean and I'm wondering when my laundry will get done

People are telling me I look tired-

I wish I could take that as concern and not an insult

I can't help but wonder if my job will bring the results I'm praying for

I am fighting to keep it together.

Gavin knows I have a bit of a fasination with the Duggar family (you know, the ones with 18 and counting kids?), so he brought home from the library the book they published about their life and show on TLC.  Now there's a busy bunch!  The book has a nice lite-read kind of format, which is perfect for brain-drain weeks like this, and part of that means there are responses to popular questions they get asked.  Of course, scheduling is always a big one! Michelle (the mom) writes about having goals for each day, but realizing the life happens and you need to go with the flow.

"As the parents of all these children, we've gotten over

 any perfectionist tendancies we might once have had."

The Duggars: 20 and Counting!

Am I going to have to go ahead and have 20 kids to release my tendancy to want to be all things to all people - to let go of my desire for earthly perfection?  I love my kids, but 3 is plenty at this point! 

What about today?

What about this crazy week....month?

What if life doesn't slow down?

"Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach..."

really? something even I could do?

"It is not up in heaven, so that you have to ask, 'Who will ascend into heaven to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?'"

then where do I go to get this command?

"Not is it beyond the sea, so that you have to ask, 'Who will cross the sea to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?'"

no delivery date?

"No, the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart so you may obey it."

I already have everything I need!

"Love the LORD your God,

Listen to His voice, and

Hold fast to Him.

For the LORD is your life"
Deuteronomy 30:11-14, 16

Oh Lord, enable me to live by Your Spirit, to be guided by Your wisdom in seasons of busy-ness and times of rest.  Let your love lead me so I can walk confidently through each day.  amen.

today

Today I have a choice. I can focus on the concerns that weigh my heart down - hurt feelings and unanswered questions- or I can focus on the Lord. I can look at the confusion that often comes from being in human relationships, or I can let my gaze fall upon perfection in the One who will never change His mind about me. The choice isn't always easy, but today I choose Him. I choose to:

"set my mind on things above, not on earthly things."

(Colossians 3:2)

Feel the freedom!

My friend, Sherri, posted this link on Facebook a couple of days ago and when I watched it, I was moved to worship. Is that a little weird? likely. One thing that struck me was the way the bodies moved and the way movement spread. Go with that concept in your own mind as you will. The other thing that got me was this overwhelmingly positive attitude. I wish I could say that I'm a person who is naturally optimistic and upbeat, but I don't think that it would be truthful! I seem to more easily see the empty half of the glass.

But while I watched this video over and over, the Spirit spoke to me, telling me that I could have this kind of life by choice. I could begin my days with the Lord and an attitude that says this will be a good day!

At this point I should make the disclaimer that this song advocates a lifestyle I certainly do not! But praise the Lord that we can worship through all kinds of avenues, not just typical worship music! When the Black Eyed Peas sing "fill up my cup" I'm pretty sure (tongue in cheek!) they mean with alcohol. When I sing it along, I'm praying that the Lord will fill up my cup for this day - with His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control! Oh Lord, let it overflow!

I gotta feeling....that today's gonna be a good day! That today's gonna be a good good day!

into the world

Mark 16:15

[Jesus] said to them,

"Go into all the world

and preach the good news to all creation."

Maybe I shouldn't admit this, but I often have a hard time going into the world. Truth be told, it's not like I've got my Bible in one hand and gospel tracts in another, hoping to convert the lost. I'm just going about my daily life when the world seems to be coming to me, rather than choosing for myself to head out.

I talk about how I'd like to open up the world of my children, so they're not completely oblivious to the kind of reality that face so many people even in our smallish city. Gavin and I have talked and prayed about doing missions with the kids and we've taken them down to Winnipeg Harvest, to encourage a philanthropic mindset.

Here's the problem: it is often very difficult for me.

Last spring, Cassidy and I took the city bus home from a field trip downtown for her preschool. [Let me spell it out a little more clearly so you can fully appreciate the irony. Cassidy's Montessori program took a trip to the Winnipeg Art Gallery and when I picked her up (after a lovely break at Starbucks) we took the bus home. ] On that very short bus ride, a young woman got on and sat directly across from us with what seemed to be 4 foster children. These kids were probably about 2, 5, 8 and 9 years old and the girl with them seemed to be in her early 20's. She talked alot and very loudly, so we got a pretty clear picture of what life was like for these little kids. It was the girl's mother that was the primary care giver, I guessed, and she didn't seem to be too happy to be toting the charges around. Two of the kids had very obvious 'baby bottle mouth' and the 5 year old was not potty-trained (as the girl loudly announced). The youngest in the stroller stared hard at Cassidy as she munched on organic crackers and drank from her colourful, BPA-free SIGG bottle. I felt a tightness in my chest, and even now as I relive the moment my eyes well up with tears.....

Last week Gavin was looking for some very rare and specific films on DVD that prompted a trip to MovieVillage on Osborne. Cassidy was with us again and had to make a potty-run, so we popped into the Starbucks that is in the same parking lot. Of course, since I was there, I treated myself to a latte and got a smoothie for the sweetie! We sat on a low ledge outside and waited for Gav to finish up. As we sipped, a man in an electric wheelchair came out of the coffee shop and wheeled over to us. I guess he had MS or some other illness that caused him to be unable to walk and slurred his speech. He stopped in front of Cassidy and greeted her, so we said hello and I tried to make some conversation about the weather. After several moments of awkward silence he wished us a good day and rolled on....

Today I had to take the van in for brake repairs and while we had 2 hours to kill, Cassidy and I walked over to Giant Tiger to wander about. Having had 2 big cups of coffee already, I had the pressing urge to visit the rest room, so I asked for it to be opened. I was told someone was in there, so just wait. I waited....and waited.... I was getting a little concerned for myself when the door finally opened. I looked straight into the eyes of a man in our area that is homeless. Oh, how I need more of Jesus in me because my first thought was to forgo using this restroom and run to Tim Hortens's. He held the door open for me and I thanked him. As we closed the door behind us, the overwhelming aroma homelessness caused my stomach to lurch. "Why does it smell so bad in here?" Cassidy questioned.....

Perhaps you wouldn't struggle with these scenarios. Perhaps you would have offered organic crackers to the children on the bus or been better at making conversation with the man at the coffee shop. Maybe you would have had a better answer for the bad smell. I hope I will get to that place. For now I'll settle for still going out, even when I'm tempted to stay home, or stay in places I know are "safe" - I'll be thankful that my heart is moved.

...and I'll pray for opportunity to grow in love and mercy, and to serve in ever-increasing ways.

a work in progress

So yesterday I snuck out for an hour to "run some errands" (which my husband clearly understands as "window shop").

I popped into to FabricLand in a seemingly unending pursuit of material to use for a slipcover for my livingroom sofa. As I browsed the clearance bolts I found the CUTEST fabric for the chair in my rec room that is also in desperate need of a new cover.

The material has little roosters embroidered all over (which won't do a thing for my continuing insistance that I don't collect roosters!) and is trés french country!

I have a million things to do before camp, but I couldn't resist getting started on the cover.

I pinned and sewed...

pinned and sewed...

pinned and - whaaaa??? Oh yeah, I don't actually KNOW how to sew!

I know that will seem falsely humble as you're looking at the picture of my chair, but there are too many times that I get to a place that I have no clue how navigate the next stitches. It's sew frustrating! (bah-hahaha!)

On a separate (yet in my mind, completely related) note, today I attended the first day of sessions for the 2009 Leadership Summit. I wondered how "into" it I could get, considering it was a simul-cast, but was it powerful!

One speaker in particular spoke on Spiritual deadness/transformation based on the story of the Prodigal Son. It wasn't the first time I've heard this type of message, where they look more at the role of the Elder Son, but this time it was like it was just for me! He spoke of how to know if you are "the elder son" (check, check, check....) and why it separates you from the Father (hello, perfectionism, my old friend), and how to combat it! He described how to get to a deeper level of faith through repentance.

Repentance.

Not only for the wrong I do,

But for doing the right thing for the wrong reason.

Do I serve, obey and attempt to discipline my life in order to gain God's favour, thus putting Him into my tidy box and waiting for my "just" reward?

the right thing for the wrong reason.

There were so many other things that spoke into my heart and life that I had to repeatedly remind myself of my new motto-cum-blog title: a little bit more.

baby steps

small changes

bit by bit

Like my slipcover, I too am a work in progress - but thankfully my God knows exactly how to handle the next stitches in my heart; and what it will take to make my life in to what will hopefully one day become a lovely heirloom quilt. A legacy.

"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

out of the mouths of babes

Moments after arriving home from a long bike-ride/playground outing with the kids, I heard the thing that motivated me to get the kids out of the house in the first place.

fighting.

Bah! They were supposed to be getting their pj's on while I finished tidying up the supper dishes but instead I heard the sounds that somehow have the ability to make my blood boil in an instant:

stop it! do-oon't!

I dried the last dish and counted to 10 (or was it 100?) before I headed up the stairs to see what the problem was....this time.

Turns out, Ethan was arranging his lego star wars characters in preparation for a movie he was planning on shooting the next day (no school!). Abbey was trying to be "helpful" by moving the little guys around and dictating how the scenes would play out (ah, first born!). Oddly enough, Ethan was not thrilled to hear her input.

[Cut to Cassidy, happily looking at books in her room, waiting for evening prayer.]

As we gathered to say bedtime prayers, I tried to reconcile A and E by talking about Ethan's use of the video camera for his movie.

"Maybe Ethan and Abbey could work together on this project tomorrow morning," I said soothingly.

"Maybe tomorrow morning I could be broken-hearted!" Cassidy wailed.

Poor sweetie - she hates to feel left out (and who doesn't?)!

But her precious sentiment brought to mind the many times I have anticipated the way I might feel if this or that happens tomorrow or next week, or if I happen to run into such-and-such person; I agonize over how I might handle a certain situation or I project my insecurities onto others, assuming they will think the worst of me.

Remember the words of Jesus?

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

So familiar and yet it sometimes seems I should have these words embroidered on every pillow in my house.

Perhaps today I can settle for searing them onto my heart.